In the realm of relationships, particularly marriage, conflict and disconnection can often lead couples to the precipice of separation or divorce. During such critical times, the decision to either dissolve the marriage or work towards reconciliation can be overwhelming. Enter discernment counseling—a relatively new approach that aims to help couples navigate these tumultuous waters with clarity and informed decision-making.
What is Discernment Counseling?
Discernment counseling is a specialized form of counseling designed for couples on the brink of divorce. Unlike traditional marriage counseling, which focuses on improving the relationship, discernment counseling seeks to help couples decide whether to continue working on their marriage or to proceed with a separation. This process is typically short-term, usually involving one to five sessions.
Developed by Dr. Bill Doherty, a professor of family social science at the University of Minnesota, discernment counseling is rooted in the belief that couples facing marital crisis need a safe space to explore their feelings and options before committing to a course of action. It addresses the unique situation where one partner is leaning towards divorce while the other wants to save the marriage—a dynamic Doherty refers to as “mixed-agenda” couples.
The Process of Discernment Counseling
The primary goal of discernment counseling is to provide clarity and confidence in the decision-making process. Here's how it works:
Initial Sessions: The first session involves both partners and aims to understand each individual's perspective on the relationship and their motivations for seeking counseling. The counselor facilitates an environment where both partners can express their concerns and hopes without judgment.
Individual Conversations: Subsequent sessions often involve separate conversations with each partner. This allows the counselor to delve deeper into each individual's feelings, fears, and expectations. It provides a space for personal reflection that is not influenced by the presence of the other partner.
Joint Reflection: After individual sessions, the counselor brings the couple back together to discuss insights gained from their separate conversations. This joint reflection helps in understanding the core issues and potential paths forward.
Decision Making: By the end of the discernment process, couples are guided towards one of three decisions:
To continue with marriage counseling and work on improving the relationship.
To separate or divorce.
To postpone the decision and take more time to reflect.
Why is Discernment Counseling Useful?
1. Clarifying Intentions and Reducing Ambiguity
One of the most significant benefits of discernment counseling is its ability to clarify intentions. When couples are unclear about whether to stay together or part ways, it can lead to prolonged suffering and confusion. Discernment counseling helps each partner articulate their feelings and intentions clearly, reducing ambiguity and enabling informed decisions.
2. Addressing Mixed-Agenda Couples
In many troubled marriages, one partner may be committed to working on the relationship while the other is inclined towards divorce. Traditional marriage counseling can be ineffective in such scenarios because it assumes both partners are equally invested in improving the relationship. Discernment counseling, however, acknowledges and addresses this discrepancy, making it a more suitable approach for mixed-agenda couples.
3. Respecting Individual Choices
Discernment counseling respects the autonomy of each partner in making their own decision. It does not pressure couples into staying together or splitting up. Instead, it provides a structured framework for each individual to explore their options and make a decision that aligns with their personal values and beliefs.
4. Short-Term and Focused
Unlike long-term marriage counseling, which can be a significant time and financial commitment, discernment counseling is short-term and highly focused. This makes it an accessible option for couples who need immediate clarity rather than an extended therapeutic process.
5. Reducing Future Regret and Resentment
By fostering open communication and ensuring that both partners feel heard and understood, discernment counseling helps reduce the potential for future regret and resentment. When couples make decisions with clarity and confidence, they are less likely to harbor negative feelings about the outcome, regardless of whether they choose to stay together or part ways.
6. Providing a Path Forward
Even if the decision is to divorce, discernment counseling can help couples approach the process with greater mutual respect and understanding. This can be particularly beneficial in cases where children are involved, as it sets a foundation for more cooperative co-parenting arrangements.
Conclusion
Discernment counseling offers a valuable lifeline for couples standing at a marital crossroads. By providing a structured yet flexible framework for exploration and decision-making, it helps partners gain the clarity and confidence needed to make informed choices about their future. Whether the outcome is reconciliation or separation, the process ensures that both individuals can move forward with a sense of closure and respect for their shared journey. For couples grappling with the heart-wrenching decision of whether to stay or part ways, discernment counseling can be a crucial step towards finding a path that aligns with their deepest values and desires.
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